Date of Publication:
February 22, 2021
The normal Yale-ish expectations say “no.” Every day must be an excellent day. And every day must be more excellent than the one before. No circumstances should be able to resist the power of my personality and productivity. And my Sunday School notions of faith are similar. I am only a good Christian if I fulfill my scout-like list of fruits or gifts - I will be cheerful, outgoing, friendly, forgiving, forward-looking, kind, clean, prayerful, etc., etc., etc. But over the last year of COVID-19-time, no matter how I try to squeeze my spirit into the Playdough extruder in hopes that I will emerge a model Christian and witness, as many days as not, I come forth resentful, angry, despairing, and because of that, self-judging.
I think, in this new Christian Lent, our season of penance, fasting and self-examination, I want to sit with the reality of these feelings. Is it OK to just feel grief, disappointment and frustration sometimes? But is it also OK to look inside and ask: what was I expecting, that I’m often so sad? Can I be patient with the grief grounded in real loss, but can I interrogate the resentment and despair that come from the loss of dreams that I would escape my humanity by being so excellent that no one could ever confuse me with a mere human? Can I sit with a bad day, or several bad days, and be OK with that? Can I admit that I am often unproductive without feeling shame or judgement? And can I adjust my secret dreams accordingly?