Some years ago, one of my Buddhist teachers made a comment that caught my attention. “The root of anger is not fear,” she said, “but powerlessness.” I couldn’t really see how this was true, so I began observing my own moments of anger. One morning, I asked my young children to get their shoes on so we could go outside. As little ones do, they goofed off. Growing impatient, I said in a sterner tone, “Get your shoes on.” Still, they ignored me. And then I felt it–a flash of anger that normally would have led to a loud, sharp rebuke, born of feeling powerless to make them act. In subsequent incidents, I further saw how my level of anger directly correlated with the gap between what I wanted and my power to make that happen.
Two useful thoughts derive from the proposition that powerlessness can drive anger. First, we might pause to assess whether we actually have any control over a situation. We may find it beneficial to step back, thereby preventing the possibility of getting angry. Perhaps a relative repeats harmful behaviors or makes poor choices: we might consider how much power we truly have to influence their actions. Second, when someone else is angry, we can reflect on the way in which they are feeling powerless, or have been made to feel powerless, even when it’s not entirely the case.
Recognizing the link between powerlessness and anger helps me decode the anger, which in turn softens my reaction. While other factors such as shame, unfairness, and feeling endangered can also drive anger, I invite you to observe the dynamics of powerlessness and anger. Doing so may provide insights that support working with anger more effectively.