Date of Publication:
November 1, 2021
Is it true that “you can’t love others until you love yourself”?—Sumi Loundon Kim, Buddhist chaplain
This aphorism that “you can’t love others until you love yourself” gets dispensed frequently, and I have been guilty of using it myself when teaching compassion meditation. I used to think it was true, but now I’m not so sure.
I had a hard childhood and arrived at early adulthood with low self-esteem. For many years, I didn’t even know that I didn’t love myself, and then for some years I liked myself better based on confirmations from others, and then for some years after that I more or less liked myself independently, but with a lot of asterisks. Meanwhile, I got married to a wonderful person and gave birth to two children. I have loved all three tremendously, way more than I loved myself in that same period. And I’ve met many other self-critical people who are loving parents, devoted partners, and caring friends to many. If we really couldn’t love others until we loved ourselves, given how many people struggle with low self-worth, we’d have a lot of unloved people in the world. So, the saying doesn’t seem all that true.
However, over the last two years, I did substantial work on healing that childhood. Slowly, I came to a much warmer, embracing kindness for myself. I now feel entirely happy with who I am, and I truly enjoy my own company. In the wake of that unconditional love for myself, I have found that I’m more tenderly and deeply loving with my children and spouse. I can see now that in prior years there had been some subtle holding back, a kind of cool reserve. My love for my family might have been curtailed by the limits of love for myself.
Based on this experience, I would suggest a revised phrase, and one that is stated in the positive: “You’ll fully love others when you love yourself fully.”